stepping into the fog

Wax on, Wax off

2007-02-21T08:35:00.000-08:00

So on Saturday I had the chance to hit up the driving range with my soon to be father-in-law out in Gardena, the first time we've spent a significant amount of time together.

So, five foot five 67 yr old Japanese father who's a dedicated (if you know anything about Japanese culture, I can't emphasize that word enough) golfer, and silly me who's played about...oh...maybe six rounds of golf period, and once in the last year. Was I nervous? Of course n....yes.

So am I a better player? With two hours of intense training under my belt, I hope my ridiculuously sore muscles are an indication of yes. I've still got his "yeah, that's ok" in my head, which Stacey tells me is his way of saying "good shot". And his little dance he was doing to imitate my legs moving all over the place when I swing (which is wrong, of course). But it was great to finally spend time with him.

She's been telling all of her friends at work that it was like watching Mr. Myogi training Daniel-San. So I've writen this post to tell you that I'm the Karate Kid reincarnate. So watch out Johnny.

well-rounded experience

2006-12-05T23:20:00.000-08:00

so I've been privileged enough to be able to see many of the bands that I admire the most, and I finally got the chance to see the one band that has eluded me over the years: Death Cab. Stacey and I headed off to the convention center in Long Beach to check out the boys, who followed the fab Jenny Lewis & the Watson Twins. Man, what a great show. Truly it was. Unfortunately I didn't bring my camera, but just check out Jasen and Amanda's blog, and it pretty much looked just like that. It felt like everyone else had been able to see them before this, and now I'm part of the Super Cool Kids Club. Sweetness.

so...

2006-10-14T00:38:00.000-07:00

umm, hi. I just realized that I haven't posted anything since April. The funny thing is, I thought it hasn't been that long since I posted last, and I've been meaning to sit down and give an update on my life. Three months later, I'm still thinking about putting it into writing.

So, instead of the lengthy in-depth update that I've been dreaming of, here goes: I'm living in Irvine, working for a non-profit where the office is in Santa Ana, I travel all over Orange County, and my job is to do case management type things for up to ten families at a time.

And the families? It's a thing called wraparound, and it's hard to explain. But we're contracted by Social Services to help these families any way we can, and it's pretty awesome. I work with some amazing, loving people. Who want nothing more than to help improve the lives of others around them. So that's pretty much what I do now. Still working on the communication thing.

So there's the update, hope you are all doing well, and hopefully I'll post again before the year ends (no promises).

Peek a boo

2006-04-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

An Open Letter to All Those Who've Been Wondering What In the World Happened to Me:

Hello all,
Well, where do we start then? I mean, after all, I've been living in an entirely different reality altogether; it makes it kind of difficult to know where to start. Well, how about the most surprising: I'm still alive! Yes, that's right, I am walking and breathing on this earth just as you are. Ok, so I know that wasn't quite the shocker...anyway, here's a quick recap of what's been going on in my life:

-My beautiful girlfriend and I are doing well- she just got a new job with the Capital Group, and will be moving to Irvine in a few months.
-School is almost over!!!! Really....that's all I do. School. School. School. And then I turn around and do more school. It's sad, really. But only two more months.
-Work: oh yeah, in my free time I like to work. Wait: no, I hate that. Really hate that. Between these two things, that about all I really do (oh, and spend time with beautiful lady).
-.......um, that's it. Yeah, hard to believe, but there's not really much time for more than that.

You know, sometimes life just really isn't what you'd like it to be. But you learn to deal with it. Flow with it; look for the kingdom in all things. So that's what I'm doing. Oh, and trying to figure out what comes next.

One thing is for certain: I still love and care about you all so very much, and if there's one thing I'm looking forward to, it's to have time for phone calls, coffee dates, and general connectedness with you once again. Well, that's all I wanted to say. Got to go to work. Blessings, friends.

We're at the end of all things Sam...

2006-02-09T23:25:00.000-08:00

So why am I posting after such a long winter? Well, tell me how you would feel if you saw this on your way home from work:

If you can't see the foreshadowing here, my ipod photo, less than one year old, is terminal. And to put your mind at rest, its because the hard drive is toast....so that means all 40 gigs of my music are trapped within the steely cold confines of my poor baby. Well, how about those ipod videos?

this strange sensation...

2005-12-21T00:02:00.000-08:00

so I'm sitting in my living room listening to Belle & Sebastian...man I didn't know how much I dig these guys, so chill....yeah, this is my attempt at getting back into blogging, now that school's out maybe I'll get it back in action. Merry Christmas everyone.

life in slow motion....I wish

2005-09-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

hi.

out of the shadow

2005-08-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

hey boys and girls...sorry for the absence, life has been pretty busy, and has kept me from being in any sort of "blog mood". But, I just finished looking through the 256 posts that I had missed all summer, so I feel back on track...not sure how I'm feeling about life right now...Dad's house got broken into, lots of things taken, now life's a lot more inconvienienced, but hey it happens to the good and the bad right?...financial aid is a mess, you never get as much as you expected, so now I've got to worry about that while school starts on wednesday (I was banking on a whole lot more)...my friends are all over the damn country, so I miss them and wish I could be with them (although I had an amazing time with the Lebrun bunch, thank you guys so much for that)...I'm not really feeling that respected right now by some people, so I'm trying to deal with that....you know, it's just one of those times where you wish you could just make it be June 27th again and live the carefree life of a camp rockstar...wait, you probably don't know what that's like...anyway, that's my life in a nutshell, I hope yours is going well. Peace out.

whoa

2005-07-13T15:42:00.000-07:00

hey everyone, just checking in....man it's so hot everywhere. things are going well at camp, this has been the fastest summer yet, and I'm kind of bummed that real life is approaching so quickly. But I am excited to see where the next phase of life will take me.....on a depressing note, the David Gray show is already sold out....tear...

???

2005-07-09T07:29:00.000-07:00

Hey Stacey, I think you're gonna want to check this out...

hmm

2005-07-08T23:26:00.000-07:00

so I'm chillin back at my apartment in good old fullerton, enjoying the dance party upstairs while I'm sitting back enjoying the jason mraz dvd, and then howie day's (which is amazing...thanks jigga). It's good to kick back and relax, but it's still difficult being alone sometimes. So, three weeks down, three weeks to go, such a bittersweet thought. It feels like life is just blazing on by, and I need to wake up and enjoy every second I've got, before it's all gone.

bonjour!

2005-06-25T01:49:00.000-07:00

...I have returned to blog again! Haha, sorry it's been such a long time since I've posted, my poor old powerbook doesn't grab the wireless signal too well where I am at (gotta love the chalet), so I have to head down to the camp office to jump on. But on to the good stuff. Camp has been going so well, even if it is only three days in. Troy Murphy's here bringing the goods, and I'm totally diggin our sound this year. Don't know what to compare it to, but it's tight. I love the excitement that comes from bringing five people together who have never played with each other, and working hard to bring it all together. And it sounds good, so hopefully this summer will rock. I know I'll do my part. This time of the year is such a time of refreshment for me, it gives me a chance to re-center myself around God, and to re-awaken to His presence that fills all of creation. The only downer (and not very small) is that I miss Stacey more than I could have thought that I would. We have grown very close in the last couple of months, and already my life feels awkward and incomplete without her here with me. But, this will only add to the impact of this summer, as God is showing me how much He has given me, and is changing me into a man that can live as Christ with those I do life with. So, until the next post, au revoir, mon amis.

apple is my hero

2005-05-31T16:34:00.000-07:00

so, I am sending this post straight from the dashboard of Tiger, the new os x software. How unbelievably simple and cool this is....maybe I'll actually start to post more often.

freedom, so close I can taste it

2005-05-16T16:58:00.000-07:00

well, just to keep everyone up to date, I'm almost done with school (two weeks to be exact, but I don't have any big assignments left), and summer camp is just around the corner (which I simply cannot wait for). So, hopefully I'll have a little more time to myself, and might actually be able to post something somewhat interesting on this site. Well, gonna get back to sleeping on the couch. Man that feels good.

epiphany

2005-05-03T10:43:00.000-07:00

school is of Satan. I know it. It's designed to rob you of life, love, and happiness. And it's doing a good job of it. Ugh.

If you can hear me

2005-04-26T01:32:00.000-07:00

Matt West, I'm not ignoring you my friend, I will call you as soon as I get a good chance to talk to you. We'll definitely have to set up a time to chat, maybe sometime next week might work. A lot is going on in life right now, but I would like to do that. Thought I'd post this in case I forget (again) to call you back. See you soon...oh, and hi everyone else.

update

2005-04-25T00:24:00.000-07:00

so for everyone who was wondering where I went today, I went down to Gardena Valley Baptist Church (the reasons? will explain later). Anyway, whether or not it surprises you, I actually enjoyed it. Of course, it was everything you'd expect a church like that to be, but the people truly loved others. And they are engaged in an organization that makes wheelchairs out of bicycle tires and white lawns chairs for all of the handicapped in developing countries, and it simply is amazing. They are a body of people who aren't "just like me", but they are deteremined to bring the love of Jesus in very real ways. So today I learned to give people a break. Baptists don't deserve to be thrown into a stereotype any more than I do. So it was good. Will I go back? we'll see.

Another thing: Went to the Newport Film Festival today, saw Fribee: Death of a Hippee Preacher. Quite a film, and what a man he was. If you can ever get your hands on it, you should check it out. This man did some amazing things for the kingdom in the heyday of the "jesus movement", and was influential in so many ways. I might post more about that later, I'm kind of tired. Bye.

the mask left in the closet...

2005-04-23T22:32:00.000-07:00

Hmm, well, I don't really know why I'm posting what I am about to, but I want to nevertheless. You see, one of the main reasons I have always had this blog is to share with my friends who are not with me presently what I am going through, what I'm thinking, and so on. So this one's for you, chums. You see, I'm going to go visit a church tomorrow, a body of believers who I have never met, nor have any real preconceptions about. I'm actually kind of excited, so the problem is something else. The problem? I'm afraid of these people. Why? I don't really know, what from what I can see is that I'm afraid that if I am honest about who I am, then I will be lumped into a stereotype, and people will form an "idea" of me that is not very accurate. We all want to be accepted, to be welcomed into a community that we are venturing into, but I am afraid. I'm not trying to bash churches here, so don't take it that way; but Christians just aren't well known for accepting people where they are. At least not other Christians. This is simply from my own experience, so don't take this to be any sort of generalization or anything. I'm afraid that if I say that I struggle, that I'm broken, that I have doubts, then I will be looked down upon as "one of those" kind of Christians, the not really committed kind. But I love Jesus, and His kingdom, and His people, and those who he wants to make His people...but will they accept all of the other parts of me too? Anyway, I guess this is more of a confession that I am afraid of Christians, we can be so mean to each other. I'm sorry, this is not a coherent or even understandable post, but I just wanted to write it down. So pray for me...I"m looking to be engaged in a community, to see us working to bring the kingdom of heaven into this world, to show people the love of Jesus, to bring healing, to spur them on to do the same. But I don't know where to go. Anyway, that's me, take it or leave it.

recommendation

2005-04-23T18:53:00.000-07:00

so I went and saw Kung Fu Hustle last night, and it is a brilliant film. It mixes traditional martial art action flicks with comedy, and it's actually done very well. I would definitely go and see it again. So go check it out, it'll be worth your while.

trust

2005-04-21T09:10:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a "friend" yesterday about the nature of trust. What is trust? What does it mean to trust someone? Is it simply believing that they are stable, and will continue to act the way they are now in the future? Or is it more? I know that it is something that is earned, and people must show themselves to be trustworthy. We know we can trust God not only because He says he is worthy of it, but we can look throughout Scripture and see how God was engaged with the lives of His people...and while things did not always turn out to be "good" things, we can see that God was working for good. I trust my closest friends unwavering...I know they love me, all of me, and I am free to let them know me as fully as I can, for I do not fear that they will hurt me. Let me down, yes sometimes, but I trust them. So my question is, why? What's different about them? Is it because I can look back and see how they have been there, how they have loved me, have proven themselves to be people who are committed to loving me? Just some thoughts and questions I'm thinking about...what is trust to you? Who do you trust? Why?

Also, here is an encouraging post about opening our hearts, and being strong enough to not let our fears stop us from truly connecting with God and with people.

Lord, I pray that you will open my heart, a heart that I give to you. Give me the courage to stand up to my fear, and to truly love. I am afraid, but I know that I can trust you. Work in me, and awaken me to your love.

open confession

2005-04-20T02:13:00.000-07:00

well, it appears that there's some life around here these days. I thought I would say that I have read what's been said, and I am not ignoring it. However, I feel that I must make a confession: my life is simply too much for me right now, and i do not have the mental/emotional/physical energy to deal with this right now. Well, to be frank, I appreciate the concerns from everyone, but this blog has always been and will continue to be a place for me to put my thoughts in writing, with an opportunity for my friends who are not in close vicinity to me to hear what's going on in my life. With that said, I do not want to use this as some place for me to debate, argue, or whatever- there are plenty of blogs where people can go and do that. So really, I am not all that concerned about getting involved in this, so I hope no one becomes offended if I don't. I'm doing all I can just to get my schoolwork done, and deal with eveyrthing else in my life. I thought I would just say that. Cheers.

the point

2005-04-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are currently reading Mclaren's new book, and have been thinking about what the hell hell is all about (like I have), here's another interesting look at the topic. I think it is very important for us to really sit and think about the ways in which we try to get people to agree with us, and want to scare them into thinking the way we do. Anyway, I thought it's worth a read, if only to spur some thought.

nightowl

2005-04-17T02:14:00.000-07:00

for some reason the best time for me to post oftentimes seems to be right when i get home from a closing shift. So here I am to let you in on a sweet band that I've been digging for the last week or so. Their name is Athlete, and they are really good. In case you do actually listen to me and check them out, my favorite songs are Tourist and Wires. Simply awesome. So there you have it if you've been looking for some new tunes to spice up your life. Cheers.

M.I.A.

2005-04-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

hey folks, sorry I haven't been very active on this for the last couple of weeks, life has been pretty busy with school, work, life, and all that. But I have had some interesting thoughts that I've wanted to put down, so I'll try to do that soon, but not until after next week probably. So check back then. Peace

when boy meets girl

2005-04-09T00:48:00.000-07:00

so I just got back from a date with a beautiful, smart, funny, and all around great girl tonight. We've been "hanging" out for the last couple of weeks, not really talking about what's going on. Well we talked tonight. And contrary to all of my expectations, it actually turned out really well. No, we're not in a relationship. We don't want one. Not yet. I guess you could say we're just dating, figuring out that relationship thing. And we're both happy about that. So there you go...who knew? All I know is I'm pretty happy about that, and excited to see what happens. One day at a time. I'll keep you updated.

what happens when a chapter is torn from the book?

2005-03-31T19:10:00.000-08:00

if you were to pull out chapter eight from a book, what would it mean to you? Would you be able to understand it? It loses all significance when it is separated from the rest of the story: there is no setting, no development, so reason behind the madness it describes...really, it becomes nothing more than whatever you make of it. You can no longer say, "well he said this because this and that has already happened to me, so of course it follows that...", or "wow, what just happened is sure to change things now". The chapter is all there is, it is now stagnant, forever stuck in the confines of what it describes.

So what in the world does this have to do with anything? Well, let me tell you.

I've been struggling recently. It seems to me (I feel I can speak on this, since I am included) that the people of this generation and several generations back have become completely disconnected from the people of history, or the people who have come before us. I don't know if it is because of the effects of filmaking and storytelling, and the blur between fiction and reality, or whatever... but we seem to have no concept in our minds that we are a part of the story of human history. When we read about the Egyptians, or the Greeks, yeah its cool and interesting, but how many of us see them as real, living human beings? I know I have trouble seeing them as such, and in my mind the Egyptians are just as real as say, the peoples of middle earth (Lord of the Rings, if you didn't catch that). Of course there is variation, but on the whole we are pretty disconnected, or at the very least I can say that we don't see ourselves or our modern world as the products of anything that took place before the modern movement. Let's move on...

So, to integrate my personal struggle with the other jibberish I just said: The jews were real people, who had real relationships with people from other religions and cultures. They were naturally influenced by the thoughts of these peoples, even took some of their ideas (examples: there are several creation accounts that were extremely similar to the jewish version, some that were around before even the jews...Moses wrote the first five books of the Torah, he grew up in Egypt, learned to see the world as they saw it...The Jewish people did not have a place for hell or even the afterlife in their conception of God and religion, they got that from the Mesopotamian peoples and religions they interacted with...) for some reason, no one seems to think about the fact that the way we see things in the Bible have always been and always will be the products of our experiences. If you remember, the Sadducees were the Jews who were refusing to believe in an afterlife, or the raising of the dead, and the Pharisees were the more "progressive" Jews, who were beginning to incorporate the idea of hell and an afterlife into the jewish faith tradition. And that's the whole point!. We simply have no respect for the world's history, and have only recently begun to look into why Christianity has become what it has become, and very few are willing to ask if maybe we've missed something along the way, and picked up things we shouldn't have.

I've lost my train of thought, so I'll end there. What do you think? Do you have any interest in looking into the past to see the journey that's been taken that's put us where we are? I feel the more I learn, the more I see things becoming "less sacred"-or, realizing that God has always worked through and in human history, embracing it to bring about His truth. I would love for you to join me: perhaps we can put the lost chapter back into the book, and see what's been going on the entire time. bye chums.

hard to swallow

2005-03-23T22:28:00.000-08:00

ok, so apparently I'm going political now, as this is another point on that. You have to read this article by Frank Rich regarding the religious right and political abuses of religion. He offers a very clear picture of what's going on. yeah, it's a NY Times article, so you can yell "liberal news" if you want, but really, try to read it and hear the facts. There are always critics to everything, this is not new: however, sometimes it is good to hear what the critics are saying, don't get caught up in "group think". I would like to hear explanations from the people mentioned why they act the way they do. In the end, I guess I am just pissed off that these chumps take events from people's lives and use them to propel themselves and their goals. Like the Schiavo case...I mean really, did Bush have to fly back from his vacation to sign that bill? You're going to tell me he cares about life huh? What about the 80 Iragis that died in a raid yesterday (oh, and there were several women and children who were killed). Do politicians really care about this case, or do they see it as an opportunity to gain kudos in the religious right? Sorry I'm venting, but this just makes me sick. If we're going to care about life, let's not be biased and care about all life...the unborn, born, Iraqis, the homeless, the elderly, and those who are "terminal". What do you guys think?

hmm

2005-03-22T09:38:00.000-08:00

so, I'm never really that political on this thing, mostly because I'm too ignorant of the facts to make any sort of statement, although I do know enough to know I'm not happy with where we're going. Anyway, I found this chart on an article about the rising gas prices (yeah, they hurt) and I thought I'd share it with you guys....if you notice, there has been a steady incline since the war started in Iraq...now, I'm this isn't conclusive, but I wonder if this is just a view into the opinion the middle east has on America. After all, with declaring this war Bush and America pretty much said that we can do whatever we want, and bring democracy to whatever country we want, whether they want our help or not (I'm not trying to critique the war, btw). is this the oil companies way of saying "we are not happy with your actions, or your attitude towards us, so here you go you arrogant Americans"? Just thought it was interesting...again, I don't know too much to try to argue about it.MSNBC - Record-high gas prices seen rising further

the jig is up

2005-03-20T21:22:00.000-08:00

so I'm sitting in the library trying to get started on some work (yeah, at school, yay for me, right?...no.), and I thought I'd get warmed up with a good old post. Some weird things have been happening this week, and they've got me thinking...

We float around some pretty interesting ideas in my psyc of religion class, looking at certain ideas from an unique perspective. The idea of this methodology is to look at the psychology behind religion and it's influence on people's lives, so that's where we start. We asked the question the other day, "is there any reason either cognitively, behaviorally or some personality trait that predisposes certain people to be "religious", and other people not? To word it differently, is there something about certain people that would make it terribly difficult for them to not be religious, and something about others that makes it impossible to be religious?". I don't know if that's a dangerous question to some, but really, you gotta search for the truth, and don't be afraid of it. (This is something I wanted to post about, but I'm not ready for it yet). We discussed some possible factors that might play a role, but really, our class is based around that question for the rest of the semester, so it's not an easy answer.

One thought, though: It seems as though some people rely upon religion to give them comfort, safety, and security in a world that can definitely not be those things. It explains things for them, makes sense of it all. These people seem to not like the uncertainty of life, and cling to the explanations for dear life. These same people are the ones who are so resistant to "change", who will fight whatever does not fall into line with the explanation they were comfortable with. Certain things have been going on to people I care about, being directly affected by these kinds of people, in my opinion.

Then there are those people who simply cannot accept the status quo, the "stock answers", or any answer at all. They believe life is uncertain, but from that belief they go to the idea that you cannot neatly explain this life like that. I wonder how all of this plays in our ideas of religion? Of course these are only my ideas, so worth practically nothing, but it's something to think about. Why are you religious? Why are you not? What do you see in yourself that automatically leads you one way or the other? I've always been somewhat of a rebel for most of my life, unable to conform to what I see as the "status quo"-this must play some part in my current standing in my faith and my journey. I guess, in conclusion, this is what I've been trying to say: there is so much more to why we are what we are and why we think and believe the way we do----like I've said before, we are the sum (and more) of our life's experience, and they have helped shape us into what we are. Haha, sometimes I feel like psychology is going to ruin my faith....not like that silly, I mean change the way i perceive it, or the way I have in the past. But bring it on, I ain't scurred sucker.

a good ol' fashioned fight

2005-03-18T09:52:00.002-08:00

I've picked up Merton's Opening the Bible again, and I thought I'd share another quote from it.

"The Bible itself, in the Book of Job, gives us a pattern of healthy disagreement. Not only that, but throughout the Old Testament in particular we find people (like Abraham) arguing with God and being implicityly praised for it. The point is, then, that becoming involved in the Bible does not mean simply taking everthing it says without the slightest murmur of difficulty. It means at once being willing to argue and fight back, provided that if we are clearly wrong we will finally admit it. The Bible prefers honest disagreement to a dishonest submession."

I've always liked Merton's approach to the Bible: he sees it as a dynamic, living text that is meant to be interacted with, not merely studied and affirmed. He encouraged readers of the bible to become personally involved with it in an honest way, which leads to this willingly to fight it, and let it work with us until we come to a place where either we are changed by it or continue on.

I guess I posted this because I see so many people who are afraid to fightthe bible. They are afraid to admit that they don't like what the bible says, that there are parts that seem so very frustrating to them, that they are fighting through some of the things that scripture claims. May we make the communities that we are a part of places where people can earnestly and honestly engage the Scriptures, unafraid to disagree and fight, while at the same time immediately willing to submit and admit that we are wrong.

a good ol' fashioned fight

2005-03-18T09:52:00.001-08:00

a good ol' fashioned fight

2005-03-18T09:52:00.000-08:00

the end of all things

2005-03-16T09:41:00.000-08:00

The other day, we were talking about David Elhind's Stage theory of Cognitive Searches in my Psychology of Religious Experience class. Elhind proposed that there are four basic searches that every person engages as they mature and develop.

The first of these, and the most basic, is the search for Conservation. This happens very early in our development, around toddlerhood, and early preschool. This is where a child suddenly realizes that things will not always be as they are, and that some day they will die. This causes great anxiety within a child, as it does with all of us, right? Well, my prof (as well as Elhind) proposed that religion is the ultimate answer to this question, bringing us the most comfort.

Let's think about it for a second: almost all religions promote some sort of "life after death", bringing us comfort from our fears about the end of our own existence. This question can be very troubling for people, and we wrestle with it throughout our lives. We also brought up the point that most childhood conversions have to do with wanting to live forever (in heaven, or whatever else they're told).

Anyway, on to the point of this post. I've been thinking about this, this idea that an underlying theme behind being religious is to solve our fear that we will no longer exist someday. Seeing that so many people in the Christian faith seem to be focused so much on the "afterlife", even wanting it more than this life, a question has popped into my head: what would everyone do if they found out there was no afterlife, that this was it? Pretty disturbing, right? (to clarify, I'm not saying that God wouldn't exist, just that this life is all there is for us-probably takes the fun out of all of it for some, huh? Everything else is still the same, except that when we die, then its all done)

Well, seeing as I can only ever really speak for myself, I've thought about my own repsonse. Of course, I'd be pretty distressed about my eventual non-existence, but in terms of faith, I asked myself, "would I still be a Christian? What would I think of Jesus?". And here's my answer: I would still live exactly as i do now. Seeking to bring healing to people's lives, restoration, reconciliation between enemies, inspiring others to love and seek for the other person's well being. I believe that's what Jesus meant when he ushered in the Kingdom of God.

Here's where i make some notes. There is much value to looking hopefully toward the eternal life. However, we cannot forget about the life we are living now, this one must end before the other begins! Don't rush it, death will come in it's time, and then you can live forever. Live for the here and now. Seek God's kingdom on this earth. Don't worry about forever (you can't possibly understand it anyway, neither can I). This post doesn't feel like it's making any sense, so I'll end here with a question:Do you see any value to Christianity and the teachings Jesus with eternity out of the picture? Would you still be one?

The coolest thing ever.....really.

2005-03-14T17:10:00.000-08:00

Everyone, hold the phone, I just found one of the coolest little programs I've ever seen. It is Clutter by Sprote Rsrch.What it does is take all of the artwork for the albums that you have in your library (if you don't have them, it gets them from amazon) and you drag them onto your desktop, and they become links to that album, so when you click on it that album plays....it is simply amazing to be able to look at artwork and have it be a part of the digital music experience. This is the sweetest thing ever!!!!

here

2005-03-14T15:36:00.000-08:00

I've always loved this song, and so I wanted to share it with you all...I think it's an example of how I'm feeling these days. Take it as you will.

This line is metaphysical
And on the one side, on the one side
The bad have lived in wickedness
And on the other side, on the other side
The good have lived in arrongance
And there's a steep slope
With a short rope
This line is metaphysical
And there's a steady flow
Moving to and fro

Oh, look you earned your wings
Are you an angel, now
Or a vulure
Constantly hovering over
Waiting for the big mistake

Oh, my God, what have I done?
Oh, my God, what have I done?

Wouldn't you love to be
On the cover of a magazine?
Healthy skin, perfect teeth
Designed to hide what lies beneath

I feel the darkness growing stronger
As you cram light down my throat
How does that work out for you
In your holy quest to be above reproach?

-Magazine, Pedro the Lion

ramble

2005-03-12T23:26:00.000-08:00

hey guys, long time. so, I'm off work early, sitting here drinking my soy toffee nut latte (which, I must say, is absolutely delicious), listening to the new Jack Johnson (which I've never been a huge fan of, but it is relaxing stuff), while my roommate is already asleep (I've never seen him sleep this early), with the other two gone. So, I thought I'd ramble about my life for the moment. Do you mind? Good, didn't think so.

Do you ever wonder how much you carry with you in life that you don't even realize? Good and bad, the life you have lived up until this point is just as real of a part of you as it was when it happened; the break ups, the friendships, the new beginnings, the end of seasons, the personal revelations, the hurtful comment left by an unknowing stranger, the way you saw the reality of life when you were raised by your parents. Most of the time, we keep ourselves intoxicated with the business of life that luckily keeps us from consciously acknowledging them. There are those times, however, when your sitting by yourself with no hope of really connecting with anyone, and then the natural thing to do is simply connect with yourself. But you see things: the flaws, the crushed dreams, the fears, doubts, and all the things you've been hoping the entire time that are simply not true about yourself, but then there they are, in your face. So what do you do?

I think it is terribly unfortunate that we do not examine the true state of affairs within ourselves routninely, if at all. Because of this infrequency we are uncomfortable, afraid and unsure of how to deal with this when it happens. So we supress, repress and simply deny that its happening at all, and turn the tv up louder.

So to bring this back to me, this is how I'm feeling these days: the life I have lived up until now has given me things that I don't understand about myself, nor desire to have as a part of me. They only pop up at certain times in my life, and at those times I think to myself, I need to work this out, talk to someone, get counseling. But i never do (well, I've talked to alot of people about these thing, but it's apparently more deeply rooted than that would heal). But it's not crippling, its really an opportunity to grow. So, i guess in summary I just have to say that I want to grow. Do you want to grow? Are you willing to do whatever it takes, no matter how scary, foreign, or foggy the path to that growth may be? Would you leave it all behind if necessary? How bad do you want to grow? How bad do I?

On and on we go
never really seeing
where we roam
when its all gray
is it simply a game?
is it to grow,
or to fall back in shame?

comfort

2005-03-02T14:52:00.000-08:00

so, in keeping with the theme we've got going here (by the way, thank you everyone for sharing about yourselves, wonderful, really), I thought I'd ask another question regarding coffee (hey, it's what I do).

What is your favorite situation to sit and enjoy a nice cup of coffee/latte/frap/you-name-it? Or, what usually leads you to drink some coffee? Is it merely a pick me up to get you going, or is it something to help relax you, to enjoy a delicacy of sorts?

Well, I love to have a cup of coffee after a meal, usually around the time you might have a desert. My favorite situation is sitting around with friends, chatting above the soft melodies of some music in the background (David Gray, as a completely awesome example). Sometimes I'll have a cup of coffee in the morning to get me going (a la French Roast) if I feel I'm having a tough time getting up, but I love the elegance of a nice cup of coffee, it has a way of soothing and relaxing, while at the same time invigorating your senses. So, what about you? I could use some coffee right about now...

you can tell a lot about a person by some things

2005-02-24T15:19:00.000-08:00

well, I felt like it just wouldn't be true to how I and my feeling are feeling today to leave my blog with just the last post. That was definitely real, and where I was throughout this week, but since then much has changed. With life seemingly bent on making my week as miserable as possible (note: rain, lots of it, cops, flat tires, flat tires in the rain, locking keys in car, yes in the rain, oh yeah and an ungodly amount of rain)I did what any other person in my position would do: I went home. And man, how good it is to be here. I really can't even explain how, but just being here makes it all seem so much better. To see others living in the reality of the loss of a loved one, is more than encouraging. Now here's the odd thing: no one's really acting like that much is different. I mean, death is a fact of life, and everyone is ok with that. They are my example for this situation, and it is amazing. So, things are actually really good. I think we are all ready for the funeral to be over, to say our goodbye, and put the logistics behind us. There's a lot of work involved in this sort of thing, and my Dad is responsible for most of it. So, there you have it, things are actually going well.

also, I thought that since i didn't have much to talk about that I would ask you all something, to find out about you:
1)what is your favorite starbucks (or any other type) drink?
2)And what do you think it says about you? Or are you not really that deep?
here's a list of the drinks that I am prone to getting:
iced triple grande soy white mocha (don't do dairy)
hot or iced soy vanilla latte
hot toffee nut soy latte
upside down soy caramel macchiato.
Hmm, I think i like diversity, and excitement. So, how about you?

nature's emotion

2005-02-21T03:04:00.000-08:00

so for perhaps the first time in my life I think I appreciate the rain. Of course, things of this nature do not come about unwarranted. You see, at 11:37 p.m. I went on my lunch break at work. Really, that's rather late for a break, but it had been a crazy day there at starbucks and everything was behind. So, the break was welcome. At 11:39, I listened to my father tell my voicemail that my grandfather had died of a heart attack somewhere around 10:30, I believe. I tried to call him, but like he had guessed he couldn't get calls from within the hospital. So, I left the store and went for a walk. In the rain, with my umbrella, and mind in a puddle. I found a dry spot at the corner by Albertson's, and had a seat (and a smoke, because...well, for some reason it just seemed appropriate to have a smoke after learning that the grandfather you grew up around just died. I'll ask your apologies at some point when I care about pointless things like that again.) So anyway, not really knowing what to do or think, and trying to keep myself in a half-composed nature so I could finish work, I just sat and let the rain do the expressing for me. Calm, forceful, and elegant, the world shared my pain with me, and let me express while I was still unable. And then I went back to work. It's funny how your limbs become dead weight, you know? twice the effort to move them, wondering why you care if they do what you're thinking. So, I finally left work @ 2:00 a.m., and my dad called me and we talked. He made it to my Grandfather's house in time for him to realize he was there, and then my dad watched him die. My Grandmother died two years ago, so he has been there for my grandpa since then. Friend, caretaker, confidant, and more. So, this is hard. My dad said that he has been loving spending so much time with his Dad, and I know that means a lot because they didn't when he was growing up. So I'm a wreck, and I'm wondering when it'll finally hit me. Although, the naseua in my stomach must mean something. Funny, I was home last sunday, and my grandpa hadn't given me my birthday card yet, and i could've stopped by on my way home...but I didn't. Wonder if that'll be something to think about later.
Oh, and of course, it gets better. Right before the offramp by my apartment, the bolt that has been in my tire the last two days finally came out. Yeah. Two days. my bad. so, my grandpa's dead, and I'm creeping at 5mph to get to the nearest gastation. But like I said, right now I don't care much about such things. Plus, I've changed plenty of flat tires, so no biggy. I pull in, change the tire, and drive home. God, it's so much easier to write it in one sentence than it was to actually do it. So, after all that you can imagine how I'm feeling. In fact, it's really a miracle that I haven't only written in all expletives, because that's what I feel like doing. who knew i could be considerate in my mourning...well, you're all welcome.

a thought before work

2005-02-14T17:49:00.000-08:00

so before I head off to work...in my social psyc class on thurs, we watched a video regarding obedience and our images of self. Here's a quote straight from the video

"More evil has been done in the name of obedience than in the name of rebellion"

I've really been thinking about that thought, and I will expound on it more when I get a chance to tell some stories, but suffice it to say that human becomes are inclined to obey those who have power over them, even if what they're told to do is not something that they believe in. Does this relate to Christianity/Church/our current world issues/religious establishment in any way?....I'm still thinking about it.

let the dialogue begin...

2005-02-09T23:47:00.000-08:00

so, I never really try to get dialogue rolling on my blog, and I think that today is as good of a day as any. So here wo go. In my inductive bible class tonight, my prof went on a tangent that had nothing to do with what we're studying. But it was an interesting question, and I thought that I would open it up to all of you. He posed this question: "Have you ever noticed how American foreign policy (not just the present) has been influenced by dispensationalism?". And that's all he said about it. I don't know what he thinks about dispensationalism, and i don't think it's relevant. So, I'm opening it up to everyone. What do you think about that statement? Does anything come to mind? I wish I could get the ball rolling by saying what I think about it, but I don't have much at this moment. But I really would love to hear what you think. So please, say something. I'll comment when i think of something. Maybe I'll come back with an idea of what dispensationalism is...

the corners are turning dim...

2005-02-08T21:59:00.000-08:00

ugh....homework....it's like a poison that slowly eats away at your heart (and liver), until you lose feeling in your limbs...and then, while in a state of paralysis, the hallucinations begin. I dare not say what foul and wretched things these are. Please, someone put me out of my misery, put an end to the suffering...

isn't that the worst feeling...

2005-02-03T02:38:00.000-08:00

to be expecting something out of the ordinary, only to find that it was never really meant to be, just a mistake? Well, I must apologize for being the source of yet another life draining disappointment. I know, you all must have been excited to look at you blogroll and see a little (9) by my blog...I mean, who wouldn't right? Only to find that the powers that be had decided to play a foul little game on all of us, or maybe me, and you were caught as innocent bystanders. I watched as, time after time, I clicked the "Publish Post" button, only to stare at a 0% completed screen for about 5 minutes per attempt. And, knowing that this doesn't always mean that they aren't being published, I kept refreshing my blog to make sure they weren't popping up for real. Alas, no matter the preparation, my bad luck will always get the better of me. I come home to find that the world is inches away from nuclear halocaust because of the false accusations made by people determined to find out what wicked soul would do such a thing as to put up a page such as what I saw. Thank you very much, Blogger, thank you very much indeed...now, just to spite me, this post might be put up 5 million times, which will be the end of all days. oh well, at least Paula's got her socks.

hello chum

2005-02-02T14:23:00.000-08:00

so, here's a quick update for everyone: school's going well, so far it seems like my semester will not be like the last one, and that's really all I can ask. Work is good, I've had quite a few days off in the last couple of weeks, so its been a nice balance to the crazy amount of time I was there the month before that. Played with Clover last friday, it went very well, would love to get another show set up some time. Played with Sharp again on Sunday night at the Journey, going well aside from the awkward start (apparently humor is the most wretched of worldy things to bring into a time of worship), and this week's been chill. So that's that. On to things I'm looking forward to this semester: I'm taking Social Psyc and Psychology of Religious Experience, which I'm completely stoked about. Social psyc is my personal forte, so i can't wait to dive in...it's been a while since I've proactively learned something specific. PRE (as I'll probably be referring to it from now on, such a long title) sounds good. Now, of course I'm at Biola, which unfortunately automatically gives people the assumption that I'm a certain way (which i am most definitely NOT that way), and things tend to revolve around the typical conserative mindset. However, what I love about the psyc department is that, while most of them would consider themselves conservative, they really don't mind going for it. What do I mean? Well, the point of this class is to, like my prof said might worry some students, to "explain away our faith". We'll be exploring (empirically, this is psyc-which is science) how religion helps people cope, why people stay commited, why people undergo conversion experiences, and talk about the big difference between religion and spirituality. NOTE: to some of you, and you know you, will come to find out on this blog that you really are not religious at all, by definition, but really a spiritual person. Now, to keep you coming back, we'll go into this further as time goes on. but let me say that there is a legitimate difference.

On a more personal note, I must say that I am becoming more and more aware of the effects of stereotypes on a person (social psyc is all about this, so this is my mindset now). People at work already think they know what I think about a lot of things based on the fact that I attend Biola. In fact, i've never even mentioned the fact that I follow Christ or might be considered a "Christian", yet they already assume that I do. It's quite a thing to have to debunk each topic as it comes up, much to their suprise. As sick as it may be, the exact same thing happens when I'm at Biola. After all, I'm there, so I must: 1) be conservative in my thinking, 2) be commited to the faith, not struggling with belief about any of it, 3) have no idea about anything whatsoever about what's going on in the world, 4) and am probably unaware that there are "liberal" christians out there. What a bunch of rubbish. Stereotypes are terrible. they rob a person of their personality, and stop the person with the stereotype from making any effort to get to know them, because they think they do. Of course, my prof is more than justified in assuming this, because this is what the majority of students is like (I never said stereotypes are always wrongly given). So, it just sucks basically to be at a school I probably shouldn't be at. But whatever, I like being a rebel. So that's my update, let me know if you've got anything to say, whether it be to encourage, correct, or just to say that you've run out of socks. See you around.

old becomes new, and the Shadow passes through

2005-01-26T10:52:00.000-08:00

hey everyone, hope you found your way here ok. there's always a hesitation in changing a website address, for fear that you will lose some people who will never find their way to the new one. hopefully, though, you will all be able to find your way to this one. Just wanted to take my name off of everything, especially the address. plus, i thought it would be a good time to change things up a bit, get ready for the new phase of life (for me, a new semester). The Shadow nonsense will only make sense to some of you, and you know the name well... So anyway, hopefully I'll be motivated to blog some thoughts I've been having recently. May Christ be the light guiding you through the fog of this journey we call life.

Cheaters beware

2005-01-15T15:50:00.000-08:00

This post will make absolutely no sense to anyone who doesn't play Halo 2 on Xbox Live, so I apologize and suggest that you go to* pressing on in the dark * to look at some of the pictures that he linked to of the tsunami. absolutely horrific, and hard to accept as real. We all must do everything we can for all of the people of those areas. So, with that said, on to Halo (nice transition, huh?).
so for all of my halo buddies, I want to let you know that anyone who want's to use the "dummy glitch" or "standby cheat" is cheating, and that is bad. This happened today on a game we were playing, and I could tell that no one else on my team knew that the little punk that was trying to do it was cheating. Anyway, bungie just released Bungie lays the smack down, so read this and take note of it. Everyone hates cheaters, and don't be pooled in with them, because you can and probably will get booted from Xbox live. Read the article, it will make more sense. so play nice, and try your hardest to not be killed by me :).

.............

2005-01-10T15:20:00.000-08:00

Rain, Rain, go away, come back soon......Never!!!!!!! Where's the sun? Why must life be covered in grey? ughhhh........

twilight zone

2005-01-07T02:12:00.000-08:00

hey everybody. sorry i haven't been around very much lately, I'm right in the midst of a 9 close period of two weeks. yup, that's 9 out of the next 11 days that I will be working until 2 in the morning. and nope, i'm not very happy about that. It's because people are either out of town or changing their availability to midnight (lame), so my manager found herself short quite a few closers. so i don't mind helping her out. for now. so here i am saying i don't know if any of you will see me in the next few weeks. not how i wanted to spend my break, but what can you do. of course, i'm still available between the hours of 11 a.m. and about 5 p.m., so if you wanna hang out, i wanna hang out. what a weird life i have right now. i'm up until about 4, and don't wake up until around noon (4 because it takes that long to wind down and sleep). i can't say that i like it. i feel like i live in a dream world, where time and daylight hours don't matter, and that my life is separate from everyone elses. oh well. so in sum, it was nice knowing everyone, have a great couple of weeks, hopefully i'll see you on the flip side.

Hope IS alive

2004-12-31T02:15:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I've ever blogged about my heart for homosexuals (that's "Christian" talk for really loving and caring about the specific circumstances and hardships a group of people who share similar stories- face). In a quick nutshell, I hate that people who follow Christ willingly and "righteously" hate certain people (not that this is new to our faith, is it?). In my personal opinion, what one thinks of homosexuality has nothing to do with loving a person for who they are, or for their ability to awaken to the reality of the kingdom of God that was established by Jesus. I've never understood the weird double standard that most of the church has upheld, that for some reason homosexuals are not fit for the kingdom of God because of their "sin" (we can talk about why it's in parathentheses later) but the sins that the rest of us have are welcome into it. I mean, its just plain stupid, if we're honest about it. And I wanted to send you to a new life emerging: Christmas, Homosexuals, & Jesus., because I think he sums up my heart perfectly on the matter, and I think it's time we as the church seriously made efforts to correct our prejudiced and hateful actions that have been and are done in the name of Love, but bears no resemblance whatsoever. May we never forget that to follow Christ is to love, and everything should spring from this love-be it rebuking, caring, mourning, defending, whatever you will- it must be done out of genuine love of real, living human beings, each one being created in the image of the Most Holy God.
Oh Lord, may I learn to love with your love, the same love that can never be earned, nor stolen, but simply is because that's who you are-and may that be who I am- an image of Love Himself. Thank you for loving me, despite my pride, and hatred against my fellow man and creation. As your followers may we be beacons of Love, announcing your arrival into the story of human history, come to bring us life, restoration, and re-creation. Baruch atah adonai, eliheinu melech haolam.

will you settle?

2004-12-19T22:08:00.000-08:00

so I found my way to this guy's site, and I thought I would throw a shout out to him for everyone. I don't know who he is, but so far I love his heart and his thoughts. click here to check out a post of his that I really dig. He makes a very interesting comment that strikes a powerful chord in my heart: "I don't have the guts to follow Jesus, so I settle for being a Christian". wow. some people might be upset by that statement. if so, let me help explain at least what I take this statement to mean. Jesus called us to a live of death, to live for others, to be a "sheep" who feeds the hungry, clothes the poor, heals the sick. In short, we're called to usher in the Kingdom of God that He so magnificantly brought into our hurting world. Now, I don't know about all of you, but that is more than a little difficult for me to do. So, I make myself feel better about following Jesus by settling for mere religion, which in our case is Christianity. This doesn't imply that religion is inherently evil; religion in this case is man-established parameters that determine if a person is living life appropriately, in line with the "ideal". Unfortunately, I feel that our ideal is only attending church at least once a week, tithing, abstaining from cussing, smoking, drinking, and our culture in general. However, while some may be a part of a followers life, they are hardly the main mission that Jesus admonished for his followers. The problem for most of us, especially consumer-self-minded Americans find the aforementioned things extremely hard. This creates a dissonance in our cognitive thought regarding ourselves, and like psychology has unearthed, we rationalize our beliefs to eradicate the tension within ourselves. People can't live long under the realization that they don't act on what they believe, so often we simply rationalize until we come to this-"well, my actions really are in line with my beliefs. good show, self". I think that maybe this has happened over the years to followers of Christ, and we've superimposed our rationalization onto our faith. Let me phrase it in the form of a question: "Is the ideal in your mind of a good Christian look like the ideal of a good follower in the mind of Christ?" And I leave you with that, and my answer: until recently I always thought it was, but the silver lining has faded, and now I must face my shortcomings. May I learn to care less about what people don't do, and more about what people of Christ do for the poor, oppressed, broken, and sick of the world, the forsaken.

salutations

2004-12-16T16:54:00.000-08:00

hi guys....just wanted to say hi, not much to say at the moment. just wanted to let your feeds light up in case no one else is bloggin these days. so that's all i got. oh, i did make a girl mad today, don't know why...like continuing to walk to class when she stops to get a drink after she more than likely walked briskly to catch up to me is such a big deal or something. sheesh. she ignored me each time i saw her after that. you'd think i'd said she had cankles. she doesn't, fyi. girls, i'll never understand.

"blurging"

2004-12-14T16:07:00.000-08:00

so, I felt I would make up a new word, since it's so hip these days to do so. It's "blurging"-the act of unleashing some pent up thoughts or feelings onto your blog, simply because you need to. Its like purging yourself of all of the thoughts and feelings you need to express just at that moment. It's not some propositional argument trying to prove why you believe what you do-its simply what you're thinking and feeling at that exact moment. And the great thing is that there are no consequences, no backlash-it's just a blurge, unfiltered thoughts and feelings-honest, unashamed. I think that sums it up nicely. and now, i need to blurge.

I have doubts. and I don't plan on getting rid of them. and i'm not afraid of them. if they pan out to be true, then i am not afraid to leave my old thinking behind. but i'll never know unless i express them. i worry that most of the 'christian' faith has nothing to do with following Jesus and welcoming people into his kingdom that has been established on earth. i'm afraid that christianity is nothing more than a glorfied version of american idealism, and that people who are (i hate to use the word, but i must) fundies are simply afraid to face reality. I've been faced with a lot of realities in the last semester. spouse abuse. child abuse. elder abuse. mental disorders that are incurable and the people with them completely ignored. the poor getting poorer, and the rich richer, and all the church wants is bigger buildings, more media, more people in the place. millions dying in africa from aids or hunger, and no one cares (or simply don't do anything about it). people care more about the sanctity of marriage than the fact that millions (maybe billions) of people-real, living breathing human beings, who get scared, must care for their families, wonder why they're alive- live in extreme poverty, and wonder why Christian America only cares about itself. My doubt is this: that christianity is made to be whatever people want it to be; life with Jesus whatever pleases me. and if it asks too much, i'll be hellbent on taking up causes that are easy. because after all, not swearing, drinking, or smoking is so much easier than listening to our neighbor talk about her daughter that was raped, or going to Watts to bring them food, and advocating legislation that tries to reach out in any way possible to help those who are suffering. So, there it is. But, there are some who seem to be on the same page with Jesus, i dont want to make a generalization. and with these brothers and sisters i cling to hope, that Jesus is here amongst His body, and His kingdom of redemption, re-creating, and restoration is being established. I just wish that the American church would jump on board. Including myself.

So there it is, don't get all pissed, I''m just being honest-and if you do get pissed, get over it because this is just a blurge, it doesn't mean anything.

sam beam is my hero

2004-12-07T23:55:00.000-08:00

a night full of celebrating beauty, music, and the opportunity to finally relax and enjoy life. It was so good to see him play live again, his songs have a mesmerizing quality to them-they are so beautiful, so peaceful. What a night.

give them a reason to come

2004-12-06T13:14:00.000-08:00

so I would assume that large number of us in the blogging world know a bit about websites and web design, but in case there are some who would like to learn, here's a basic idea: if a page is not consistently and frequently updated, it dies. So, before I get back to posting any thoughtful/reflective/theological posts, I'm going to take some time to allow my page to be reborn. So, I'll be trying to make posts at least once a day, so that people will throw my blog back into the "check up on" pile.

On a different note, I've been thinking about what this whole reinventing of the church, and shaping our communities into something good, beautiful, alive, real, genuine, honest, and so much more. And I've been thinking about the lack of church in my own life this semester (which is not much different from the last couple of years), and I was talking the other night about my frustrations in finding a truly that I feel is really being church, a real and loving community of Jesus follwers. I was explaining to my friend in a very general way of what I was not finding, and I was having a hard time desribing it. but today I think I have found a word that desrcibes the type of community that I need my church to be: a family . Now, not all families are great and perfect, and not all of us even consider ourselves as having much of a family, but I think that we all have a pretty good idea of the nature of family. Your lives are not individual ones that simply revolve and rotate around simliar events and locations (and of course you do have your own life apart from the family, but go with me). In fact, the family becomes a life. Those people are going through this life with you until the end, and it doesn't matter how you feel about each other at any given point. That's because they are you. Or a part. Or help to make you, you. what happens in one person's life affects all of the others, because the life is shared. And when push comes to shove, you know your allegiance is to your family. Because it is no different than having allegiance to yourself.
And then I realized that this is what I want to be a part of, and think the church should look like in a sense. When something happens to one, it happens and affects all. So, one problem is every person's problem, and the solution is pulled from all resources (genoristy, giving, oh the beauty of those things). One's sucess is a sucess for the family. One tear falls from all eyes. And you're there, and they're there, and you're living, you're growing, you're changing collectively. And you're changing and welcoming those not in the family, because families aren't exclusive. the bigger the better. In my family, I love the fact that we are all different, because that is the foundation for all of our relationships, it gives joy and diversity to our lives. families can't function well is everyone is the same, because a family must be bigger than it's members. So, I pray that we all find our families, and that all churches, and the churches of others who may not be given the title of "church" begin to be families. I'm a little rushed right now, so this hasn't come out quite like I'm hoping. But I hope it sparks a desire in your heart to make your community a family. Ok, I'm late for class.

an apology

2004-12-03T17:24:00.000-08:00

hey everyone, it's me. In case you have forgotten who I am, my names Ben. Hi, nice to meet you again. Alright, the semester is almost to a close, and life is just about to take another turn for me, and I'm so thankful for that. I've been so strapped down to my schedule that it's been so hard to do much of anything, especially things that I enjoy doing. So, I just wanted to take a minute to apologize to everyone for my lack of participation in the ongoing conversations that take place over so many of our blogs. I know, this doesn't seem like a big deal, but I truly value the words that are shared by so many of you. I've still been learning and growing so much by the things many of you say, and I wish that I could have been more of an active part of everything. But hopefully things will be changing soon, and I'll have energy to actually think deeply about more things. So that's something I wanted to get off my chest. I have plenty of things I've been processing this semester, so I'll try to share those soon. peace

the name says it all

2004-11-16T01:34:00.000-08:00

so I just back from seeing the Incredibles, and it was awesome. Typical Pixar cg splendor, good story line full of humor. But I'm not a movie critic, so don't listen to me, go see it for yourself. You won't regret it.

ah, the memories

2004-11-12T18:57:00.000-08:00

in memory of my exhausting and frustrating week, I thought I would throw this up there. Jasen explains my week so well...

and as he faced the sun he cast no shadow

2004-11-08T22:31:00.000-08:00

so these days the favorite parts of my day are 1) driving in my car; and 2) the thirty seconds from when I finally lay down in my bed until I fall asleep, which usually only takes at the most one minute. Now you're probably wondering why, or maybe you're thinking to yourself, "wow, does he really fall asleep that fast?" But indeed, it's that quick, either because I'm conditioned to do that or I'm so tired by the time I go to bed that it's just a done deal when I get there. Sometimes it's nice, but it takes away from that time where i can enjoy the softness of my t-shirt cotton sheet and pillow case and the heavy, yet airy feeling of my comforter....and then, beep beep beep it's time to wake up. But man that feels good, even if it is only a minute. And then there's the driving part. I love that time because it's the only time in my day where life is all about music. I'm not really paying attention to the driving stuff, who really does that anyway? This is my time to listen to anything I want, sing along and simply enjoy the amazing gifts of music and creativity. I don't really get a chance to listen to music at any other point during the day, so this is all I get to keep me going. It makes me realize how much I love music, to an extent that I really do get depressed when I'm not able to play/create/listen/learn or simply enjoy it. I hate that so much of my life is devoted to other things, I can't wait for these endless numbered days of business to fade so that I can listen to the music again. Anyway, I'm stalling on writing a paper, so I should stop now. I apologize for the lack of posts, life has been insane for me, and it appears it will continue. At least until the 23rd, then it should lighten up. But until then, don't expect much more than a "hello, don't worry I'm still alive...I think" from me.
and the worst part is, I have to delay the playing of halo 2 so I can get all my work done. What a tragedy, eh friends?

hum drum hum bug

2004-11-05T13:27:00.000-08:00

so I haven't posted in a while, and I thought I owed it to all of you to at least write something. Life's been pretty busy, with school and work and all. I can't wait for this semester to be over. Or at least thanksgiving. I'm usually pretty tired, I don't get much sleep when I don't get home from work until around 2:10, and wake up by 8:30, with busy days in between the next shift. But it's still going good, I really like my co-workers. I also want stuff with church to get going, and that's finally coming soon. What ever happened to Mike Devries? I haven't seen or talked to him in way too long, I'm still praying for you wherever you are dawg. I"m missing a great show tonight, death cab, and no I don't want to talk about it. So, it's back to the books, I've got way too much to do this weekend, so peace.

Am I dreaming? No, I am certainly not...

2004-10-26T14:49:00.000-07:00

There's only one appropriate response to this, and that is....damn, and get one as quick as I can...

yeaahhhh

2004-10-25T08:42:00.000-07:00

Go Boston!!!

got the little bugger...

2004-10-21T13:16:00.000-07:00

alright, I fixed the whole can't leave a comment problem (thank you Aaron), so by all means, post away my friends, post away.

hello week off!

2004-10-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

so, i don't have class for the rest of the week, talk about good timing. It feels so good to just live for a couple days, not be so worried about things i need to be doing (although there are plenty of school things that I need to get done before next monday, have romantic school, thanks for ruining the moment). Anyway, I have just enough to do so that I can't just take off for a couple of days, so I have tomorrow all to myself. I'm not sure what to do, I might just go and do something spontaneous. Except that I don't have much money, so it has to be cheap. I just need something that doesn't normally happen. But I"m playing with Todd and J again on friday, that will be refreshing to my soul, for shizzle. Just wish Matt could play with us too. But thats cool. Just wanted everyone to know that I finally got some good ol' Motivation in me this week and got that paper done! A couple of days late, yeah, but I got it done. Take that school, I'm always down for stickin it to the man. ha. but i'm going home for the rest of friday and saturday, I"m trying to con my dad into going fishing in mammoth for those two days. I don't think he'll bite though. That's too hard for him to do, just up and leave like that. But it would be good to be in God's creation for a while, spend some time with my pops. I love that guy. Also, just wanted to throw a shout out to Embrace The Journey, it's about time this is getting started. Let the journey begin.

contextualization...in my head

2004-10-17T23:18:00.000-07:00

so I am sitting here stalling a paper that is due @ 10:30 tomorrow morning. I know exactly what I need to write, psyc papers are pretty much the most technical things out there, you basically just fill in the blanks in this huge format and BAM! Your research journal is done. But for some reason, I just can't get myself to do it. And it's not just this: It's been like this my ENTIRE school career. I almost always get A's, but I can never get motivated to do things, until the last second. I've spent most of my life trying to figure out why, and I just don't know. But I do know something: I hate school. It's too bad you can't read the emotion behind that word, but I Hate school. I don't know what it is, but it ruins my life. Seriously. No matter what is happening, how incredible it might be is overshadowed by the fact that I'm in school and I (insert expletive here) hate it. You all should know by now that one of my passions in life is learning, and I absolutely love it. I want to learn everything, anything, no matter how mundane or even plain stupid it might be. I love discovering new things about life and everything within reality. And that's what makes me hate school. It takes something that i love so much and makes me hate it. When I'm in school I can never really say that life is truly good, because it simply can't when school is in. Whatever this system, or process, or institution of organized education is, I hate it. I wish I could love it, but something about it I just definitively loathe and abhor.
And it's not because I'm just lazy, or don't want to do the work. Like I said, I almost always get A's, but I really couldn't care less about any of it, while at the same time loving to death what I'm learning. How does that work for irony? Back to the lazy thing...I'm definitely not...in fact, when I"m at work I pretty much work my ass off, and I don't even have to think about it. That's just the way I am, I always do things as perfect as I can, regardless of the effort involved. I guess this isn't some sort of surprise to those of you who know me. It's just a part of teh way I was raised: part perfectionist, part very determined person who likes to bless people by doing more is expected, who in fact can't help himself. At work, I don't know how to sit back and relax, if there's something to be done, I'm looking for it so I can do it. I guess you could say I always take ownership for everything around me, and really I enjoy it. The last two weeks have been amazing for me, I truly do love work. Helping people, doing things, completing, creating, and mastering things. So why is this integral part of my personality enprisoned when the semester begins? Why is he held captive? That truly amazes me, and makes me wonder what is it about school that is the one exception to my life? Seriously, I can go and clean the bathrooms, and make it my mission to make sure its spotless...but I can't even read a chapter for a class, let alone write a paper..........now that I think about it, maybe it's because that I am insulted by school. Maybe it's just the idea of it, but it's what it is too. Let me explain. I'm insulted that it's assumed that I do not have any desire of my own to learn, to gain knowledge, to figure out the world, or at least make attempts to understand what I'm presented. So, they have to force me to learn by giving me assignments, take tests, and the like. Because of course I won't just use energy and learn myself. Hell no, people don't do it. But I do that. I'm such a visual learner that I learn pretty much what I'm supposed to simply by being in class. And I love being in class, discussing, interacting, learning. I think about the stuff in class all day. I even enjoy writing papers (the communicating of an idea and area of knowledge) but i hate being forced, pressured, or graded on it. That just makes me want to do nothing. And after writing all of this, I'm still right where I started: I simply hate school, and I don't know why, and I wish I could treat it like everything else in life. But it is simply not like that, and hasn't been since I was like seven. Or maybe it was when grades when from E's and NI to A, B, C,D,F........well, just needed to vent and let everyone know that this is a part of my life, my struggle, my journey. I wish I could convey to people just how badly I need school to be done. I was thinking at work today, "working at starbucks 40 hours a week for the rest of my life is awesome compared to school". And I actually do agree with that statement, it's not exagerration. I want to do anything other than school. Go figure. But i love work, starbucks is awesome, as is everyone there. I'm really starting to get the hang of it, and it's fun. I need something like that in my life, doing something, seeing concrete physical progress. So stop by, I'd love to see you. We're at the corner of Imperial and Harbor, in fullerton.

excuse me one moment...aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

2004-10-11T16:14:00.000-07:00

when I woke up this morning, I thought to myself...today, I hate school. now, one paper down, one very hard test, and one more annoying-waste-of-my-time-elective-class-that-i-couldn't-care-less-about paper, and...yup, still hate school. I wonder if I'll hate it tomorrow...

up with the times

2004-10-09T22:05:00.000-07:00

man, everyone else has done all this work to their blogs, looks like I need to do some catch up...

irony

2004-10-09T21:31:00.000-07:00

so in my religion & society class on tuesday, the professor gave us a treat and had us watch
Dogma. Yes, that's right. Dogma. The satire of Catholicism. Alanix Morisette is God. Jay and Silent Bob are prophets. Chris Rock, the thirteenth apostle. And it's all hilarious. I've never seen it before, and I would never have thought I would have seen it in a class at Biola. But I did, and we had an interesting conversation about it, regarding a unique kind of spirituality that my prof termed "irreverant spirituality". They are equally as committed to their faith as those of us who grew up in the tradition of christianity, yet they don't play by our rules. How did everyone feel about that? What they said surprised me. Especially the girl who just never seems to get the point of the class, and the reasons behind the books we read. But she's been getting more than I realized. She said that she in no way understood them, how they operated, what it is like to be them, and still be earnest in their spirituality. It made her a little uncomfortable, and she didn't know if and how she 'should' respond'. But it's genuine, and that makes it valuable. I have seen a huge growth in myself and everyone else in that class, I can see people's mental horizons expanding, they're beginning to think outside the box, for themselves, honestly looking at people who are different than them and going, "good. there is value in that". I totally didn't see that happening with some of them, especially the one I mentioned. Like a post before, this gives me hope. Oh, and just so everyone knows, the book didn't stop with "seeking" spirituality, but moved on to something called "practice". If you can imagine, the jist of this is that spirituality is what is lived out, and how, and with whom, not so much theoretical ideas or positions, but actions and relationships. You know, reality. I'll go into more detail later.

update on starbucks: brewing coffee in a coffee press allows some of the oils and flavors of the beans into the coffee, giving it a more robust flavor. This means it tastes stronger and better. Thought you might want to know. Made some frappucinos today, it's not too hard. I'm really loving the people at that place, I'm looking forward to getting to know them better. Today I was thinking, and I realized that I am so blessed to be there, to be at a place where I asked for God to let me be at. It doesn't seem so much like work as it does working with others to bless complete strangers. And in case you didn't know, that really is what people who work at starbucks really want to do. Bless people, make their day just a little bit better by coming into the store and interacting with us. Maybe the church could learn a thing or too about impacting the community around them in ways that actually wor...matter. Maybe that's too harsh. I don't know.

things aren't always what they seem...

2004-10-05T20:44:00.000-07:00

so I just had an amazing conversation with my friend Janae, who I have known for the last year or so. I have always seen her as the typical biola girl, those of you who know what this place is like will know what I mean. This is not a bad thing, just a descriptive thing. We started talking about what's going on with Yorba Linda, and what we're looking at in the future, and the vision that has been casted for this church. It was good, but then we went a different direction and things got real good. We started talking about what the church is going to need to do to survive the current transition in history, and I gotta tell you, she had some great insights about it, and I was completely surprised by this. i had been kind of vague in terms of what I thought the church should be like, so she made me elaborate, and it was so weird to see that these were not things that she hadn't thought of before; in fact, she totally agreed. We even started talking about how much of Christianity has been shaped by the modern era in which we've been in, and that's not a good thing nor a bad thing (of course, there's both in this idea, and I tend to think that there were some serious bad things, but that's not important). We then started talking about how this is a crucial transition for those who grew up with this kind of christianity, and the task at hand is to help them see what has been added to their idea of Christianity by modernity, and get them to accept this and recognize the fact that regardless of what they think of postmodernity, or the state of the world, this is in fact how the world is, and we really need to sit down and think about whether or not we want to see the church being an effective agent of change in the world. Because, like Janae said, the Christianity that people are being fed is almost completely foreign to them, and alot of the ideas are irrelevant. People don't want to know about propositional truth anymore, or how true the gospel is (this is important, but it's not as important as...). The question people are asking is, "Is life with Jesus any better than the life I am currently living?" At least, this is how I perceive the question to be. As such, the church (which claims to be the body of Christ, not to say the least), who are followers of Christ, needs to live in such a way that following Jesus is seen to change life, and the lives of those who do not follow Christ. Such as feeding the hungry, helping the suffering and lonely, the homeless, giving our hard earned money to those who really need it, and not spending absurd amounts of money on ourselves. So, all this from our conversation. This makes me wonder, is Biola really what I think it is? Honestly, Janae could possibly be the last person I would expect to think this way. Maybe the problem is that a certain way of thinking and living is acceptable here, making it more comfortable talking in a certain way. So, people will naturally not talk about things that are not "culturally acceptable" at Biola, which I myself was doing at the beginning of this conversation. So maybe the community around me is more in tune with our reality than I thought, and I only hear the voices of those who have the liberty to say what they want, which would paint Biola in a very certain light. Really, I've been feeling more and more comfortable at Biola, not because I have changed, but because I am beginning to see that my peers have also been changing. This gives me hope, and I want to seek out others thoughts around here...maybe it's time biola took a step back at its students to see the world we are going into, and maybe this will really happen, because change is natural, even if it is uncomfortable. Christianity has been changing throughout history, and this new period will not be any different. Alright, I have work to do for my class in fifteen minutes.

here's something to ponder, if you're one to ponder such things

2004-10-03T23:11:00.000-07:00

I want to give you a sweet morsel from the book of the week, After Heaven, which i will have finished by tuesday. This goes along with my previous post when's it gonna end, so you might want to read that first. On with the show:
Although spirituality is always deeply personal rather than theoretical, the present shift implies a change that is sometimes expressed in abstract language about world-views and philosophies of life. A spirituality of inhabiting emphasizes an orderly, systematic understanding of life. Having a sheltering canopy tha tprotects people from chaos is essential, and it is possible for those who live within a spiritual habitat to be relatively confident in their knowledge of the sacred. A spirituality of journeying is less likely to generate grand conceptions of the universe and more likely to invoke a pragmatic attitude that "advises us to try whatever promises to work and proves to be useful as the mind adjusts to the exigencies of events"...implicitly, this shift consists of movement away from a denial o fdoubt (shielding people from questions about the existence of God) to a redefinition of doubt as the essence of reality (uncertainity as a feature of the human condition).

I don't know if that makes sense to you or not, but think about it, whether you end up liking it or hating. it is not the point. I think, well alot of things about this, but I won't say it now. I think it's interesting to look at christianity now compared to what it used to be. And not to upset anyone, but Christianity does change, this book goes into great length on how the events and social issues of the last century affected and altered the way people viewed their faith. So, think about it, and feel free to let me know, either way.

Here we go again...

2004-10-03T22:50:00.000-07:00

wow, it's been a whole week since i last posted, and for some reason it feels like only yesterday I last posted...and I was sitting on a lawn chair in the back yard with a nice glass of tea in my hand...and building robots out of legos...and using pvc pipe as swords and staffs...and hitting a grand slam to win the all-star game...and sitting around with my family (the "family", which for those who don't know, includes about 3 other families besides mine and my uncle's) on sundy afternoon's watching football...so where did my life go anyway? And I hear that I'm not even 21 yet, man sometimes I feel like I'm thirty. Anyway, enough with the rambling, here's a recap of my week, and what's up ahead...

The funny thing is, I don't really remember much from this week. Now that I think about it, I think someone snuck into my life last sunday and stole my week from me, and gave me the generic one that I've seen so many times before. I think I'll call this "the Groundhog week". So, like all the times before, I went to school, did some work, sat in class, met with friends, and other stuff. One thing of note: I did take six pages of hand written notes, nonstop, for an hour. I didn't look at anything except the powerpoint slides and my notebook. Yup, I know what you're thinking, sounds like one of the worst experiences ever. Well, do not be disappointed, my friend: it was, it most definitely was. My head actually hurt when I was finished. Oh, and we kicked some serious, uh, wanna-be bowling booty on thursday, so we're still in first place. The funny thing is that this semester everyone got to name their team, so you see things like "gutter girls", "brunswick bullies", you know, funny stuff like that. Well, neither myself nor Chet knew that this was so, so when you look at the standings each week, you see good old "Team 4" in first place. Talk about anitclimatic. Not only do people not like us cuz they think we're good, but now they have the extra bonus of calling us lame. And we are. But hell, we're in first, so take that gutter girls.

So that was my week, and i get to start work this week. I'm really excited, I need a change of pace to my life, the routine is killing me. Plus I got to meet some of my co workers on friday, they all seem really cool, so I'm looking forward to the friendships I'll be making. And like any good job, I get to spend four hours straight training in front of a computer tomorrow... Man my life is good...but unlike other jobs, I get a free pound of coffee a week. So start thinking of those nice things to say to me now, and maybe I'll hook you up some time. There is a waiting list, so be prepared to wait 4-6 weeks for delivery. Nah, I'm just kidding: try 9. So stop by the store at Imperial and Harbor in La Habra, and I'll whip you up a drink real nice and quick.

don't ever forget

2004-09-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

So I'm doing good this weekend, it's felt great to relax and remember that there's so much more to life than schoolwork...anyway I was parousing (sweet word) some blogs, and I came across this site. It both broke my heart and angered me, and then I had a very enlightening realization. If we're trying to be people who follow Jesus, we must always remember the foundation of his whole life: love. I think that this is going to be a very important test for the whole postmodern/emergent thing, or any other "thing" that the church becomes and goes through in the future. If you read the first few posts of that link, it will make more sense. We must always humble ourselves and love those who are completely against us (which, ironically, are our brothers), and to respect them and their views, to not judge nor make fun or, or condemn, or belittle, but to love them in the same way that we are trying to love everyone else. I guess I don't really care if some people like this guy want to cut us down, but when its in the name of Christ, i mean come on, who are they kidding. So that's why we cannot be like that, we must not. If we want to be agents of love and change, we cannot have that view of any other human being, nor the views they hold. If we become that, then this whole thing is for nothing. That's all I have to say.

news alert!!!

2004-09-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

I must tell everyone right now: Death Cab is playing @ the Wiltern on 11/05, tickets go on sale tomorrow, so I am definitely going (not saying i"m buying tickets tomorrow)....so, the point is whoever wants to go, lets plan now so we can get seats. I've been to the wiltern, its a sweet show, there's standing on the floor and seats on teh mezzanine, which is an excellent spot to be, great view, great atmosphere, and you can sit. So, whoever wants in, let's say so and we'll make things happen. That's all for now, and back to your regulary scheduled program.

when's it gonna end...

2004-09-23T13:54:00.000-07:00

I mean seriously, this has been one of the hardest weeks I have encountered in a long time, and that's all from good old school. I"ve been so busy, stressed, bombarded, overloaded, you name it, I'm not even sure if I'm awake or this is all one big bad nightmare. However, I am nearing the end, so it's nice to know that I'm at the end, which means I must have made it, otherwise I wouldn't be at the end, right? Two extremely loaded exams, one book review and discussion, one very good conversation with a prof, one experiment design in process, won 2 out of 3 bowling matches, and I don't know what else I did this week. But, let's move on to the highlights:

two shows that are quickly becoming favs. I gotta tell you, if you really need to drop whatever it is you do on tuesday nights between 9-10 and watch Father of the Pride and Scrubs. Damn funny stuff, those two. Although the first one is animated, the siegfried and roy characters are hilarious! And what do i need to say about scrubs? Zack Braff, and plenty of other colorful characters. Definitely helped me make it through the week.

good conversation. with prof. I had a chance to finally sit down with my religion & society prof and talk about film, religion, postmodernism, and other good things. I don't have enough time to go through it all now, but I'll drop some knowledge every now and again from him. He had some great thoughts on the benefits of postmodernism to religion, very interesting. We talked a lot about the ways in which people treat movies. To sum it up: People do one of two things with a film: they either control it (i like that part, oops dont like that, ignore that...that one part was good, but that one bad part was awful....) basically, they dictate what exactly they are going to get out of the experience. Or, they 2) let the experience have its way with them, taking everything in its entirety, letting the experience say or evoke or do what it wants. The metaphor he used involved a four letter word (he didn't say it) to point out the vulnerability and intimacy that it entails. That probably doesn't make sense, sorry it did to me when we were talking. Anyway, I'm looking forward to future conversations with him, he pointed me to some very interesting authors, which I'll be picking up soon and sharing with you all.

One last thing, here's a quote from another book I am reading for his class, title After Heaven, which is a history of the changes in religion and spirituality in the last fifty years. So here you go:

" A spirituality of dwelling emphasizes habituation: God occupies a definite place in the universe and creates a sacred space in which humans too can dwell; to inhabit sacred space is to know its territory and to feel secure. A spirituality of seeking emphasizes negotiation: individuals search for sacred moments that reinforce their conviction that the divine exists, but these moments are fleeting; rather than knowing the territory, people explore new spiritual vistas, and they may have to negotiate among complex and confusing meanings of spirituality". Peace

we're taking over the world

2004-09-20T18:31:00.000-07:00

and by we, i mean starbucks...that's right, I got a job! Praise the Lord, I'm so blessed. Why I always doubt him and believe that he will let me down this time, I'll never know. But he is faithful, and will provide for his children. I start on the 5th, and the brand new starbucks at imperial and harbor. So spread the word folks. Thanks for praying for me, I am blessed to live with you all.

want to know if YOU have a biblical worldview?

2004-09-18T23:24:00.000-07:00

Then simply take this test, and the kind folks at Worldview Weekend will let you know if you've got a strong biblical worldview!...Well gee, thanks guys, I was really wondering if my worldview was the strong biblical worldview, and not some lame ass copy of it. I'm glad they've got that biblical worldview figured out...Seriously though, you guys should take this test, the definitve worldview test. Let me know what you guys think of it, its at least worth a good laugh, or a sullen shake of the head.

oh, and to let you know, I'm a Socialist Worldview thinker, apparently....Mommy, do I HAVE to be called a Christian? I don't want people to think I"m like these guys, or even striving for their worldview. Hope everyone's surviving out there, some are you are, and I'm happy for you, and others aren't, and I'm right there with you, let's pull through this together. Peace.

nice

2004-09-16T15:32:00.000-07:00

so i dont how how i found this guy, but it seems like this guy has some great thoughts on several topics. He's wordy, so make sure you have time to read it. Check outa badchristian blog..., if you're interested.

gradual insanity

2004-09-14T19:10:00.000-07:00

so yeah...having your left eyelid twitch religiously for over five days...yeah, that's enough to make me wanna cuss...wait, no, it makes me want to take a fork to my face. Why won't it just stop? Why you always be hitting me mama? (see if you can catch that quote... J?) I liken it to being tied up and left out in the middle of the desert, and having a little ant take one bite at a time at you...or when the sink decides to drip...drip...drip...drip...

family

2004-09-14T01:21:00.000-07:00

I just read a post from a good friend of mine, regarding the joys of discovering the deep things we carry around, the effects of living life with people. Regardless of our situations, our family plays such a huge part of our lives, to an extent that we are never fully aware of it. I know I'm not...whether good or bad, I cannot see all of the ways my family has left its legacy on me, and I know this is true for all of this.
This makes me think about community. As we try to get ready to establish a community of followers at ylfc in about a month, I start to wonder about what might happen. what if in trying we actually succeed, and we begin to affect each other in ways we can't see, much like our families did as we grow up? as we follow jesus and loves those around us, growing together, I can't help but think that many of the things that were put in us up to this point will begin to be healed by the love, joy, and goodness of Christ working through His children. I know that I have always been blessed to have a family that went far beyond blood and marriage and the like. I have aunts, auncles, brothers and sisters that do not share the same blood or last name as I do, yet they are just as real as Amanda, my dad, and my mom. I am convinced that there is nothing better than living this life with others, sharing the same life which is comprised of each person's life, all celebrated together. Can't wait to see where we go next.
One more thing: I love and respect all of you who are a part of my family, who have willingly walked along side of me through the numerous journeys of this life. I would have no life if it wasn't for you, I hope you know who you are. And with that, peace.

The curse of consumerism

2004-09-12T23:41:00.000-07:00

This post is going to be a long one, complete with a very long quote from Coles' "A Secular Mind". This is a quote from Dr. William Carlos Williams, regarding the true state of Chrisitianity in America. I think it is a power, profound insight into what our faith has become in the church, written in the seventies but just as true. Instead of reading my take, look for yourself and see what you think:

Through all these years of my practice I've heard parents talk about what they want for their kids. They want everything for them, of course, but thy're no fools: they know the score, they know what's ahead. Why wouldn't they--they're living 'close to the bone'. You know what? A parent's job--a mother's, a father's--it's to teach the kid to join the club, be an American.

Now, what does that mean? This isn't the America of farming and trading and the church; or of the factory life and the church. People still go to church, but the God they worship (if they do that while they're sitting in those pews)(Ben's note: Jesus told us to 'follow him', I wonder what that means for those who think their faith is complete in doing nothing other than "believing' and attending a church...)isn't 'The Big Man' in their lives after they leave and go home. I've seen that happen; I've watched people who have just come here from Europe figure out how to be a Catholic, lots of them, and be an American. At first it's hard, they see the conflict, and they're torn. But it doesn't take long; I'll tell you that--in no time, you've got the kids growing up in 'this' country (the way it's become), and that means they hear the bells, the church bells, sure they do, but they read the newspapers, and they listen to the radio, and they pass the stores and look at the displays--and don't forget this: so do the priests. The bells are there, but there's a lot of other noise in the air, voices with messages about buying and selling: spend and get- and work hard, so you can spend more, get more, and hey, that's the life.
This is a here-and-now world, that's what I mean when I say 'secular'; and the religious side of it, even the moral side of it-well, there's a lot up for grabs. You want an example of what I mean? A grandmother, a young one, who was born in Italy and came here when she was fifteen, and married and brought up a family, and now is helping her daughter bring up another one, told me a few weeks ago that it's become different going to church here than it was when she was in Italy and when she first came here. She used to sit there and talk to God, and try to figure out what He wanted, and try to please Him. Now, she says, she mostly thinks about what's going on in her life, in her kid's lives, and she asks God to make it better...she said to me: 'It used to be I prayed to God, that I would learn what He wanted from me, and how He wanted me to behave (I wanted His help to be that kind of person, the kind He wanted); but now I pray to God that He help us with this problem, and the next one--to be a Big Pal of ours! It used to be, when i prayed to God, I was talking to Him; now, it's me talking to myself, and I'm only asking Him to help out with things'...You see... you think of yourself, your family, and friends; you pray for yourself, your friends, your family...We've gone whole hog for 'the things of this world', and that attitude is what a secular life is all about, and it's part of a person's religious life, too."

If you're still reading, I"m impressed! I know he's not exactly talking about what I'm thinking, in terms of secular and religious, and I think by 'things of this world' he means consumerism and materialism. It's scary to think about how much of our american way of life is relfected in the church. I loved the section with all the "you"s in there, so typical. Wow, that was so long I lost my train of thought, but I wanted to throw this out there and hear what you guys think of it, and what it means for us as we move into this new service and process of "becoming" together.

to catch a glimpse...

2004-09-12T23:16:00.000-07:00

Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech Haolam
O holy one of blessing, Your presence fills all creation.

I bless you every time that I take a breath; my arms wave like banners of praise to you.

Lord, I pray that I will become a man who lives every moment fully aware of your presence around me, to enter into this journey you have placed me in.

why can't we stand mystery?

2004-09-06T22:43:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a book over the course of the weekend for my Religion & Society class, Robert Coles The Secular Mind. He's had some interesting thoughts regarding the the influence of science on our ways of thinking. In one section he begins to describe how faith in science began to have its own following, and a confidence in its efforts mounted. Here's the point, a quote from Flannery O'Connor: "Mystery is a great embarassment to the modern mind". Perhaps this is why it is so hard, maybe even inexcusable, for Christians to say that they do not have all of the answers, to admit that things are a mystery. perhaps our expression of christianity has become so entrenched in the modern religious adherence to science that we can no longer permit ourselves to it, and by no means admit unknowning in some area. Mystery is something to be celebrated, and needs to be brought back into our lives with welcome arms. Anyway, just a thought.
For Jasen: Here's the quote about our view of knowledge as the end goal:
"...blessed with insights, a growing body of knowledge, a confident sense of more of both to come-- and yes, blessed with a faith of sorts, a faith in those insights, that knowledge is all-important. I believe this, each of us says: that over time an increasingly knowing human mind will prevail over nature's various mysteries, will see us exploring the heavens, conquering one disease after another, and, not least, gaining an understanding of its own workings, the mind, at last, its own master." In this sort of climate, of course it would eventually be integrated into the foundation of our religion, for it is a part of our grasp of reality. I'm not saying knowledge is bad, but it is sad to see this acquiring of knowledge as the end goal for many of our brothers and sisters, I know because I used to think like that, too: I just need to know more, fully understand God, and then I've made it. Well, that's all I got.

I feel it coming...

2004-09-04T14:50:00.000-07:00

The other afternoon I had the chance to sit and talk once again with my dear friend Amanda, and we were furthering our discussions about making our thoughts on following Jesus a reality. Specifically, we were discussing what it might look like for us as Biola students at a school that thinks it has community but in no way has. A man I truly admire, Mike Devries, was also thinking along the same lines the other day, and so I wanted to direct everyone's attention to his post,A journey not alone. . I think this realization might be the first step to reclaiming our sense of connectedness and responsibility to each other, in fact all others. By the way, thanks for taking the journey with me, all of you.

About this new era...

2004-08-31T18:06:00.000-07:00

I had my "religion & society" class @ Biola today, and I gotta say, this guy shouldn't be teaching at Biola: or more appropriately, I'm surprised they let him teach at Biola. I'm going to love this class, I had a chance to talk to him (Scott Young) after class, and it was really encouraging. I think I've finally found a faculty member who is what some people would say, "safe", in that he's onboard with this whole movement of change. In fact, he actually said that he views himself and his responsibility at school to help usher people into the next phase of history, to help get people on that journey, or be there for people (like myself) who are already on this journey and need some extra support and comfort in that kind of environment. so, I'll definitely be keeping everyone up on the events of this class, it'll be good I can feel it.

Here's something interesting he said about film. While throughout most of our religion's history, the written word became and was the way that thoughts were expressed, how people learned how things are and who they were. However, we are and have been transitioning into an era were, although written word is still active (much as the way oral tradition was during the transition into writing), it is quickly going by the wayside, and video, sound and images are how we communicate. And here's where it gets good; likewise, our christian faith and church and ways of doings things has always been centered around written word (one obvious example would be the bible), and up to this point most of it has encountered and is having problems with this transition, because its raising some questions (although he didn't mention what those questions were). It's definitely an interesting insight into the new and upcoming phase of history. I don't know exactly what it means for us, any thoughts? More to come.

Just for the record

2004-08-30T00:35:00.000-07:00

I'd like to make an announcement: My great friend Jeff "We Call Him Wally" Wetherell has joined the wide wonderful world of blogging!. Check out The ever liberalizing conservative and see what new insights this guy will bring. You will also find a link on my blog to his site, just in case you don't know how to use the aformentioned link. Peace

Igniting a fire

2004-08-27T00:46:00.000-07:00

So today was the first day of class, and I only had two so it was fairly light. I spent most of the day hanging around and talking with everyone I haven't seen all summer, which was both good and bad, I was pretty worn out when it was all done. I'm still not sure what to expect from this semester, or how i will handle what I learn here, since I am a minority in my thinking. However, I did get to share my thoughts and everything else I've been learning in the last year with a very good friend of mine, Amanda. She's the first person who I have sat down with and explained just about everything to (it took about three hours, which is why I don't do it, and also I'm afraid my friends at school will hate me), so i wasn't sure what to expect. It was definitely a lot for her to take in, and I wasn't really trying to win her over or convince her, I was just sharing who I"ve change in to in the last six months. I could tell there were some ideas that she wasn't comfortable with, but I know that she'll definitely be thinking about them in the next few days, I love trying to get people to think outside of themselves and their preconceived ideas about our lives. I very much appreciate who she is and our friendship, I would love for her to catch the vision like some of us have recently. It felt so good to finally be real and honest about what I think about everything, like I was finally myself. A part of me feels so trapped at school, because I can't really say what I want to say, and everyone around me is what I used to be like.
Here's what's funny: no one at Biola that I've talked to knows what the Emergent church is. You would think that a Christian University would make some sort of effort to present it's students with all of the differnt views of christians regarding their own faith, but I guess it doesn't go along with it's commitment to be a stay a conservative christian school. I want to see great things happen with people, but I can't get the thought out of my head from Mclaren that people who are comfortable and safe and secure in their current theological systems will not want to shake things up. We'll just have to see what God does this semester. I do know that I miss those I've grown close with, such as Mike and Jasen and Amanda Shill. and Chuckles and Jeff and Paula, I feel like I can be more myself around them. I hope to see them soon. Also, one of my other close friends, Nick Ames, is moving to Utah on Sunday, so that's another dear friend that I won't see often. But, C'est la vie, c'est la vie.

What does it mean...

2004-08-27T00:45:00.000-07:00

Born in the year of the rat...damn, that doesn't sound too good, does it? I hate rats.

the legacy continues

2004-08-26T00:54:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you know that my dear friend Lucas Bradburn has just joined the blog community (or Chuckles, as most of us know him). Get ready for some interesting thoughts from this, I'm looking forward to future dialogue. As for me, I'm off to school again, not really sure what to expect from this semester, but I'm ready for it and whatever else happens to begin. The last two weeks I've felt like I have no purpose, not really having anything to do with myself. I can't wait to see what God does next in another chapter of my story. I better get some sleep, 10:30 comes pretty quickly, and going over the bowling syllabus can be intense. Ok, not the hardest way to start the semester, but we'll see. Love you all, and I hope to see you soon.

Things to make you go hmm...

2004-08-20T17:10:00.000-07:00

Here's another quote from Merton's book, Opening the BibleOpening the Bible. This is a great look into the purpose of the Bible, asking what is it? What is its purpose? Sounds a little different to me than what the modern church thinks of it, so here it is for others to think about. It comes in the middle of a section discussing different themes throughout religious history as to the meaning of life, and what separates the Bible from other religious texts.
"The Bible does not simply present us with another variation of ethical or metaphysical wisdom. It does not simply give us a particularly fortunate hypothesis to explain man and the universe and orient him toward a meaningful existence. The Bible does not only seek to explain God, or tell us about his nature, his existence, his attributes, his inner life. The Bible does not seek to prove abstract propositions about God, though it is certainly concerned with affirming his reality in the most categorical and absolute fashion as against the falsity and mendacity of idols. But this affirmation of God's absolute being is itself mysterious, paradoxical, and seems to remain deliberately incomplete."

They say ignorance is bliss...

2004-08-19T02:13:00.000-07:00
so one of my roommates comes home tonight after being at the church he is interning at, and proceeds to release to me and another roommate. The situation is that a friend of ours, named Rachel, has been the "director" of the junior high ministry at this church for awhile, but her leadership and authority hasn't been recognized, so the church decided to change her title to "Pastor of Junior High Ministries". I tell ya, he talked like they decided that Muhamed was the Christ now or something...I guess being the ultra calvinistic conservative that he is he cannot allow such heresy. Anyway, he asked me what I thought, and of course I thought it was great, and admitted that I have some doubts about the "Biblical" stance that he and other conservatives claim to have on this issue, and of course that didn't sit well with him. Aside from the issue itself, it brought a odd sense of entraptment to see how, like I've been reading in Merton's Opening the Bible,
"On the contrary, we have to recognize that those for whom the Bible has become a habit may well defraud themselves of deeper understanding by deciding in advance what they want of the Bible and what it wants of them. They go to the Bible knowing in just what ways it suits them. They dig into it to satisfy their own needs-and of course they are not wrong. But the Bible is not there merely to satisfy our needs or to give us what suits us."
Sometimes I wonder that people go in looking to prove their view on something, and they then find it in the scriptures. Is that really what they are for? Is that why the Bible is hear for us? Somehow I don't think so. Like Merton said, I think that it challenges us to ask the right questions, giving us the answers that then lead us on to further questions. When a Zen Buddhist disciple asks his master, "who is the buddha?" his master answers him with another question: "Who are you?" The disciple is then left to wrestle with this and come to a conclusion based on his experience. May we always be willing to lay aside our expectations about what the Scriptures say so that we might see the questions it is asking us. How do you tell someone, "I think you think that way only because that is the thought that has been passed down to you, the Bible isn't an answer book, it a something to be mastered by" (sound familiar Mike?). Ah, the struggles of being in the conservative bubbles that I am in, and it is just beginning. Any thoughts or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

Destination or distraction?

2004-08-06T14:47:00.000-07:00
I had a very interesting conversation with my friend Mike Devries this morning. We were discussing different religions and how they may relate to God, thinking about God as the ultimate reality and this being displayed fully in Jesus. He made a reference to John were Jesus says he is the way, the truth, the life, and no man comes to the father except by Him. Usually, Christians take that as permission and authority to beat down every other religion that they come across, and this is where it gets good: Jesus didn't say that Christianity is the only way, but that He is. Anyone who is earnestly searching for God, and continues to search without stopping, will find Him. Perhaps religions are more of a cultural system than they are a faith or religion. Perhaps a buddhist who searches will become a follower of Christ, while still being fully buddhist. Mike posed the question that what if Islam or Mormonism is simply stopping short of the goal, becoming satisfied with the system they've created? What if Christianity is the same thing, at least Christianity as it is practiced today? I loved this thought: what if Christianity is simply whats fits into who Christ is the best? He is the goal, and the person we should always be searching for. Sometimes I wonder if any religion is merely becoming sidetracked from the ultimate goal, and we find ourselves thinking that this is what we were searching for in the first place, forgetting that thing that captivated us so much as to start off on the journey. Christ said to follow Him, and maybe that means continuing on from the safety of our comfortable systems and Christian religion, perhaps for some even realizing that it has become our goal, stealing our hearts from the prize of knowing Christ as He really is. Makes me want to start looking further into other religions, to see what truths they have discovered about this journey, life and even God.

If you thought churches were useless...

2004-08-06T10:07:00.000-07:00
Sorry for the lack of posts lately, internet capabilities have been sparse the past few weeks (damn mountains). Anyway, here's an hilarious report of some church activities in North Dakotas. Gotta love those midwesterners. Creative people. More coming at ya soon... Church Used as Meth Lab

Thoughts in the sky

2004-07-23T21:10:00.000-07:00
At the time of writing this I am sitting 35,000 feet off of the ground, enjoying a majestic view of this world that we find ourselves in. It is so refreshing to be able to sit and enjoy life for a few moments, since I so often find myself looking for things to do, addicted to the busy southern Californian lifestyle. The best part of this flight is that I have been able to get through a good portion of A New Kind of A Christian, which means more to me now than ever before. Before I even began reading this book, deep within me there was a fear that I was perhaps transforming myself into a postmodern, without even knowing exactly what that entails. However, it is now more clear to me than ever that I have not only been a postmodern (if you’re one who likes labels-I don’t) before I had even heard of this book or looked into this vein of Christianity, but that God has himself been guiding me along in my journey to become this. As I read further along, I see things that I have been explaining to people for the last semester, things that have absolutely changed my life. I would talk about them, things such as the evils of individualism and consumerism, as well as the blind the church is to how “modern” (I now have a term to call it, I didn’t before) it has allowed it’s gospel and life to become. This book affirms things that I have believed very passionately about, and it is exciting to hope of a new way of life, a better church, full of people who are seeking the abundant life, and desperate to extend that life to everyone around.
This puts me in a very awkward situation: I go to Biola University, a school that prides itself in its traditional views and preservation of the evangelical church. As my philosophy professor Dr. TenelShof told me (who I can now see is a man who has caught the vision, and who God used to introduce to me the gospel that Jesus himself preached; that the kingdom of heaven is at hand-here, now, available for any who want it) the university is the keeper and guardian of knowledge. How can I be an agent of change in a place that is so steeped in modernity and thinks that it is the only right way? It is much too big for myself, there is nothing I can do to infiltrate this fortress. God, can you use someone like me? I pray that the insurrection will begin now, that the people of God will wake up to the “story that they find themselves in” and begin to live out the gospel and kingdom of God.
It is similar to how I feel sitting in this plane: as I look out the window and see the clouds and the earth in all of her beauty, there is a longing deep within to be out there, fully there, immersed in the beauty and majesty of what I see before me. But I cannot fly; it is not possible to do so, and the longing to do so becomes even greater. Is that what heaven will be like as we fully enter the kingdom? To finally be able to leave the boundaries of the plane and be completely immersed and obsessed with the beauty and glory that we see? But it will be different; the glory and beauty that we become flooded with will be the glory, love, grace, beauty and majesty of the Glorious One, when our deepest longings will be fulfilled, where we will truly be ALIVE. And here’s the kicker: this all starts now! This live and this kingdom is here now, and we are catalysts for this takeover, this business of reconciliation.
I think that this is only my fourth or fifth post that I’ve made of this blog, and I’ve already written a short novel. On a happier note, I will be back home in about an hour!

goodbye wisconsin

2004-07-22T18:36:00.000-07:00
here I am at Jule's coffee for the last time, enjoying my last hours here in Wisconsin. I'm still not sure what I think about this place; it's nice and green, so it's pretty, but there is absolutely nothing special about this place, nothing that stands out. I'm not sure how people can survive in a place like this. Anyway, we're about to head off for the final deeper, and the end of the bnyc experience. It's been a crazy week (or was it a month?), and I have had a lot to chew on throughout this week. I've been reading A New Kind of a Christian, which is enough to keep me thinking wherever I go, and God's been challenging me as I watch this conference. From my viewpoint, this conference has been absolutely terrible, almost sickening at times. Regardless, it is more than obvious that the kids here have been spoken to by the Holy Spirit, and their lives have been touched. And that is exactly what amazes me, for I cannot see how they could have possibly been moved by anything. I have been humbled to see that God truly does not need any of us to speak to His people, and yet out of His grace and love for us He uses us in ways that are blessed. I feel like I have been a spectator this week, looking into a different way of doing things, and this time one I completely disagree with. However, God has been very real to these kids, which impresses and encourages me. One things for sure, and that's that I cannot wait to be back in So Cal, enjoying the lack of humidity, a beautiful beach, my dear friends, and the chance to see what's in store for me when I get back. Just a little announcement: I'm playing with Todd at Fishfest on Sunday, so if you're there, come and stop by the Worship sidestage @ 5:45 to come check us out. This is really an unexpected opportunity, I'm really excited to play. Since I've played all this week without an amp, and often times without a monitor, I am excited to hopefully be able to play a legit venue that treat's its artists right. I'll post again when I'm back, and I'll feel like a new man. Peace out.

the glory of God and personhood

2004-07-21T16:24:00.000-07:00
Back at good ol' Jules for another wonderful time of wasting the afternoon away. It's so funny to think that I am getting paid to relax all day, enjoying time with good friends and making others. What a blessed life, and how sad that I often forget it. Todd gave us a book to read for a band devo, Facedown, by Matt Redman. So far it is a good book, focusing on the glory of God and the need for us as worshippers to remember His 'otherness' and not treat Him as if He were one of us. I think that is something I have a hard time with: In the conceptual image of God in my mind, He is always turning out to be fully human, complete with all human characteristics. However, we were only created in His image, not exact duplicates. This is something I will need to flush out of my mind. There is something that was said in the book, however, that has gotten me thinking. Redman placed a huge emphasis on the idea that God's focus is on giving Himself glory, and the reason that we exist is to give Him praise and give glory to Him through the circumstances of our lives. I do not think that that is the whole reason why we were created; after all, if all God wanted was creatures that would give Him glory, than the angels and the rest of creation would have done an excellent job of it, perhaps much better than we ever could. And true, God is definitely glorified through the redemptive work that He does in our lives, and the kingdom and relationship that He has made available to us through Jesus Christ. However, the fact that we are persons seems to add another dimension to this idea; why would be created as persons, and not just persons, but persons created in the image of God. For God to create us in His image must mean that we are of some significance to Him, outside of Him receiving glory. There seems to be a sense that God did not want only creatures that would glorify and praise Him, but ones that would willingly enter into a relationship with Him, experiencing His love and His goodness. Of course, His glory will also be made known through this relationship. The reason I say this is that when people put so much emphasis on God's desire to be glorified and our sole purpose to be tools to give that glory, it takes away from our worth as persons (which, if I remember correctly from my Psyc and Chr. thght class, means that we our individuals with a will, the ability to make choice). Not only that, we are created in the image of the Most High God, testifying to the worth of everything human that has ever come to be. We are loved in such a way that He has created us in His image, which cannot be said of anything else in creation. As followers of Christ, we must recognize this worth in all humans, and in examining Christ's life we will also see how much He loved all people, recognizing their worth regardless of the cultural verdicts. Anyway, that was something that has been on my mind today. If anyone else has any thoughts about being created in the image of God, feel free to post. It is such a mysterious thing, do we really know what it means?
On to lighter things...I saw Spiderman 2 for the third time this afternoon with Todd, Matt and Caleb. I don't know why, but I absolutely love that movie. I don't know if it springs from my childhood love of the character, or the association I feel I have with Peter Parker. Whatever it is, man that's a sick movie.
I don't really know what to think about this whole BNYC conference. From my viewpoint the whole thing has missed the point in following Christ, consumed with manipulating and guilting kids into accepting Christ (or should I say, say a simple prayer and being free from the clutches of hell forever) without ever challenging them to discover Jesus and follow Him. Why didn't Jesus ever talk to people in that way? All He demanded was that they follow Him, as a disciple of the day would obediently follow his rabbi. The most astonishing thing, which can only be from a God who is Himself calling people to Him, is that these kids here are completely on board, and I can easily see their love for God in their actions and hearts. With this I am humbled and encouraged; regardless of the circumstances, the power of the Spirit is great and will work in the hearts of man. On the other hand, I am also broken because I demand so much from my circumstances before I will allow God to speak to me, work in me. If I was in the place of one of those kids, could I hear the voice of God speaking to me? Or would my own little agenda and preferences stop me altogether. I am looking forward to see how God finishes this lessson in me throughout the rest of the conference.

the end of an age, welcome the revolution

2004-07-20T22:25:00.000-07:00
Throughout most of my life I have not been one to have a journal, which is more than likely due to the fact that I have always been too lazy and undisciplined to maintain one. Also, I have come to appreciate all of my friends in a new way within recent times, for I have noticed that I make up for not having a journal by using them as a soundboard for my thoughts, sometimes gabbing into the wee afters of the night, even after my friends have fallen asleep to the deep, soothing sounds of my voice (at this point, imagine Jasen fast asleep, rolling over and repeating 'amazing'). And with life being as it is, it can sometimes be very difficult to find a friend and enough time to talk about everything that I think about. So now I come into the emerging world of blogging, something I have heard about but did not understand what it was. I'm stoked to see what will become of this, for things have been moving in fresh and exciting ways in my life and I cannot wait to explore them in depth. As I'm writing this I am in the wonderful Night Saver's inn, with Jasen more than likely typing away into his own blog on the other bed in the room. I am in the middle of the bnyc conference, and I feel like I've stepped into some sort of fantasy world that is wholly different from anything I've experienced before. I will talk about this more in another post, I've talked too much already. Until then, Californians, from one to another: you live in a great state, and do not forget it. Goodnight. And I hate humidity. its disgusting.

testing, testing

2004-07-19T18:01:00.000-07:00
Hello boys and girls, here I am making a step into the new and exciting world of blogs. Here we go...